I cry...

I have not had a great day. I got about five and a half hours of sleep last night, that didn't help. My migraine took all hope I had building up in me away. I feel like I am going to break down tonight gang. I thought just maybe, since it hadn't been bad in so long, that maybe this thorn in my flesh was gone... God please take this.... but it remains, and its presence can not be ignored. Thus I have been a little irritable today. Sorry if at some point I seemed angry with one of you, I probably wasn't, maybe I was just tired and looked pissed off. I really only felt upset at one point, but I wont get into that here. I can’t. I copied a song on here two months ago, here is the first verse, I don’t think anyone got the hint, what hint traV? I don’t know what I am talking about, I don’t want just anyone to get this...

If you put your arms around me,
Could it change the way I feel?
I guess I let myself believe
That the outside might just bleed its way in
Maybe stir the sleeping past
Laying under glass
Waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out... of this lonely cell

So, that is all I got to say I guess. I just wanted to let you know that I am not well today. I am exhausted, just when I thought that I was getting a grasp on this life, my fingers slip with the sweat of my hands, and I fall, and I find myself close to the bottom of this all again. Can I take this anymore, can I handle the pain, do I want to turn to You for strength again? Or tell me now, have I exhausted Your great supply? I come back to You time and time again, only to find myself humbled before You. What right do I have to complain, what reason could be greater than Yours, what pain more severe? You watch me turn my back and You cry for me, I don’t listen for a while and You will only love me more. Why is it that I cant understand, why cant I have that God? Don’t You think that if I had this, this that I desire and tell no one about, that I would be happy? I think I would be happy, but what do I know other than that You Father know best for me. Don’t You? Can I doubt You this one time, or would you let me? Just in that last moment Your going to pull through for me aren't You? Your going to show me your grace and love abundantly. I know what I want and what I need, more often than not they are not the same. They are not both in Your will, just one. I wish I could change Your perfect and great will God, than maybe it would be better? Listen to this, I am foolish am I not? Your will is called good and perfect because that is what it is, who knows, maybe down this muddy road, and once I am over this cliff I will have what I want and it will be good and blameless in Your sight. Do I have the patience to wait, to push myself for as long as it takes, why cant I just walk away from You God? I know that life would be easier to live, but it will be hell to pay, quite literally. But You paid for my way, You paid for all this that I live with. You paid for my life of pain, this suffering I choose to share in, who knew it would be literal? I cant walk away, its impossible, I could never want that. It disgusts me to think that I could be ok to live in sin, disgusts me to realize that my friends who don’t know this life of hardship, this life of constantly having You and never being alone, will burn eternally perhaps even tomorrow. I have to push, I have to take them and bring them to You, show them the awesomeness that You are, so that maybe they may choose to believe and proclaim what they should and be saved. Maybe that they could enjoy a life like mine? No, I think they could be better than me, they could live better that I, who cant? I am a wolf in a sheep’s costume, I think I have dressed up so well that I have fooled myself. Haven’t I, or am I being overly dramatic? I rant about all this, I complain and You listen. Tell me, do you shake Your head at me, or do You reach out to me and try to hold me as I push You away, is that what I need God, just a hug from a friend or a Friend? I don’t know what is best for me, You tell me that this is no costume, but I don’t know if I can believe You on this one God. Maybe Your wrong about it all for once, I doubt it. When will I shut up and follow You like I should, like a dog? No, what a fool I am indeed, You desire for me to follow You like a free servant, one who loves his Master, and I do love You Lord. But do I love another? Don’t You know my heart better that I do myself? Isn't that true God? Reveal it to me than, what lies in the depths of my heart, tell me, I am already in pain, already I think I am suffering, can a look in this heart really make it worse? I don’t know best God, You do don’t You?? So I sit here in my corner of pain and cry as I interrogate You, what right do I have to do such a thing too the Lord most high? I don’t know what I am, who I am, I have lost my pitiful identity, I cast it off God. I hate me, I desire only to be You now. Is that what you wanted to hear, is that what You needed to set me free from the hole I have taken refuge in? I take refuge in it only because I have been down here so long that I have come to think it a safe place to be, but the water is rising, and I did not know that soon I would drown. Instead, I finally heard Your call and I looked up and seen that Your hand was reaching out to me, not to put me under, but to pull me out and place my unsteady feet upon solid rock. Can it be that I was standing on the solid rock all along, that when I fell because I lost my footing, it was only my weak legs, shaky knees, and blistered feet? But I did fall, only to take rest and lay upon that solid rock. You let me rest upon You, and when I was strong enough, when the blisters had healed, You urged me to go on. I stand now, my arms high, and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all, I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered, all I am is Yours! So what can I say, what can I do to actually screw this up, to actually ruin Your good and perfect will? Nothing I think, it is too good for me to completely understand. But now You know me, I hope You know me because You can see Yourself in me God. Why cant I? You took me from the place where I had little to worry about, you took me form my home and brought me here. Why God? Only to make this harder for me, I gave everything I had, I was exhausted, but I followed Your call there and now I have followed it here. I am still exhausted, and now I am poor, I am behind in everything but what You called me to do. Should I abandon everything else and do only what You have wanted of me? If I did that God, I would have time to rest; I would have time to regain my strength. Did I mess up and taken on more than I should have? But I can’t walk away from it now, can I God? I think not, but once again, what do I know??? I don’t know what I know, I don’t know me, isn't that right? So I will go on, I will be the faithful soldier; I walk into the battle field now that You have patched me up, but not alone? It is You who walks next to me, and bearing the cross, how can I now loose? How can another bullet do any more damage? You Lord have made me glad!