5.56X45mm Brass Full Metal Jacket and a $35000 White Gold w/ Three Diamonds

I hope that makes some sense of where this Blog is going. I put allot of research into that you know. For those of you who aren’t familiar with ammunitions, a 5.56X45mm (also known as .223 Remington) Brass Full Metal Jacket is a bullet, a bullet that is fired from a M16A2 Semi-Auto/Auto Rifle that is commonly used by infantry. A $35000 ring is made up out of a 14 carat white gold band and three 1.06 carat diamonds. Now why would these two items have anything to do with one another? Well, here is the thing, I am a romantic by nature, I am a soldier by design. There you have it, the design of a loving companion bread out of a killer? Well not quite, perhaps we'll say a fighter. Soldiers don’t kill, they fight, bombs and bullets kill. Anyway, on with the Blog, enough about the details. So what’s the point to all this?

You see, as a kid I had always wanted to be Military; rather, a Pilot in the Air Force, but that idea got scratched by the almighty, so I went for ministry in stead. I stand by my call to share the gospel on a grand scale to young people, but I can not ignore my heart that cries out to be a soldier, and it always has done so. So, what do I do....? To make things more difficult, who wants to marry a soldier that finds excitement in the idea of sticking himself in situations where he may be within inches of flying bullets and shrapnel? Few ladies, I am sure, fall under that category when it comes to the perfect guy. But I can’t settle into an office, not when my heart roams the battle field. Ahh! It plagues me I tell you; perhaps this soldier business is best brought up next time I have a sit down with J. And for the ring business, she'll be lucky if it breaks five grand, never mind thirty five, and besides, I am not getting married anytime soon, need the girl first, not that I am looking for her. I am looking for my path! So, here is some soldier poetry for ya...

There I stood with my men abreast,

Leading the attack, courage burned in my armored chest.

Now the order to move hath been given so on we march,

The men’s faces stiff with fear as if with starch.

So the field was swallowed in black soon with dead,

They see our hearts, our soul’s eyes dread.

Archers make ready drawing arrows from quiver,

Soon we make a blood red flowing from flesh river.

We see our Calvary galloping as swords take flight from sheath,

Suddenly we hear a pounding echo, it’s the depths deep beneath.

They call out to us in awe of our infamous name,

These are the cries of the men we once killed for blame.

Somehow with what strength we began to run,

God must have pushed us, blinding enemy with sun.

Suddenly my sword took life and pierced deep,

All seemed too easy as if it were the slaughter of sheep.

The Calvary continued on and took up the rear flank,

Still my blade swung, deep into enemy blood I sank.

There lines so quickly swarmed began to fall and break,

It was water beating on the rocks in a dream so very fake.

The end of the battle seemed not so distant now,

None of my men were killed, by Gods grace some how.

The Calvary had rounded up enemy survivors for death,

Even in execution there was no fear on their breath.

The men were pleased with such a fine victory,

We made our way for camp, soon to smell sweet hickory.

The celebrations begun and they continued on quite long,

But still deep within me a Generals heart had no song.

Good night gang... my plague is subdued... for now.

TraV

An update

Hey gang,

So things are not going so well this time around the block. I wanted to let you all know, since I dont get to talk to many of you these days, what is going on with me. I am still at CPC learning bible stuff, let me tell you, I am learning some great stuff there, loving every bit of it. But there is that problem of homework, you see I am not getting all that I need to have done done and handed in, the thing is, Im not getting a great deal done at all. God called me here this year to work with M:180, I firmly believe that, He never said anything about attending CPC this perticular year. And as great a school as I have found it to be, and knowing many great people who have come out of this school prior to attending it, I still felt that it wasn't for me this year. So why am I going? Well, to tell you the truth, it was by recomendation of the boss that I am attending, I was not at all thrilled, but sugestions around here I've come to notice are not really suggestions. Ofcourse, I wwould like not to face another semester of this, but I have to right now it seems.... or do I? I will think about that and get back to you on it.

So why is this all so hard. Well, to be honest once more I do not know how Ashlee is dooing all that she does. It blows me out of the water how strong and determined she is to take on all that lays before her. All the power to ya girl. For those of you who dont know, Ashlee is a fellow intern here at Lawson with M:180 youth ministries and she is dooing a great job. So what is my excuse if she is dooing more than I? I dont know really, but here is the scoop, I dont think it is enough of a reason, but maby I am hard on my self. I am still dealing with this Migrane/headache pain thingy, its there 24/7 constantly causing me unbelievable amounts od discomfort at times, other times it just hurts, and rearely it imcompasatates me from dooing anything what so ever. So I guess making my head pain the center of attention for nine months has made my condition jealouse, and it now wants some of the spot light. For those of you who dont know, I have a condition called Neurocardiogenic Syncope... its not helpful. For the past three days it has been at me, trying to take me down, even now I am having trouble. It likes to make me stop everything I am dooing, even to black out at some points, not cool. Thus far I have been able to slow down and prevent such a black out from occuring, but at this rate I think it is only inevitable that will black out. So is that reason enough, maby, I think I am buisy, and because of the prior I need a lot more rest between activities, I feel like an old man to be honest. One more thing, My docter thinks it is a good ideah to up the dosage on my Pain Supressing medication, it's Amitriptilyne, she doubled it. The thing is is that it has some pretty crazy affects, I have not had any encounters with them before, but today it did affect me a litle. So if you notice please let me know if I am acting a litle wonky, I dont want to be feeling crazy side affects if I a can take other medicatons, more expensive ones, but they are side affects never the less.

So, on to the financial situation. Turns out that I wont be getting my student loan just yet, the one piece of info they want that they said they woudn't be needing they want it now before they realease any funds. So before I let them, I may be able to get out of it. But that will mean no CPC next semester, I get stuck with a three thousand dollar growing debt to the school and no money for africa. Chances are I will be getting them the info they want pronto. And thus I will be in school and africa next semester. I am trying to find another Job, this cleaning buisness is a litle to much to late in the day for me to be dooing right now to be honest with you. Great news, for which I am so very thankfulf for, by bro and sister in Law Leah are now sponsering me, they gave me one hundred dollars yesterday. Such a blessing, my phone bill was due to be paid tomorow and I had six dollars. They wanted to be providing a litle for me for a while now, but until now they were not able. Thank you so much Ty and Leah, you are amazing and I know god will bless you and your ministry there in Deep River Ontario. Love you both deeply. (yes I do talk with them other that this, but I dont know if they read this blog).

On to my life stuff. I am still single, I am still not looking... and thus I am to try and live that way... harder than I thought but I will try harder now. I have many great and awesome friends here in toon town and many in many other places around the country. Love you all dearly and I thank you for your prayers and support. I know I am going through a hard time, but God is with me and I know that your prayers have been my strength in many ways these past few months. Hopefully these alements will pass soon and I will be free to do my homework and laugh and play and all those other great things.


M:180 youth ministries is going well for me, I hope I am still dooing well for it. I can only do what God enables me to do though, that is the truth that I hold to and so I look to God that I may be of help to this ministry as much as God is able through me. We just did another Impact trip, this time to Carlyle SK, it was awesome, my second trip and I loved it greatly. Well, I think I am going to go now, J's office is a mess and I can something about it while I have strength, I may need to lie down after, but oh well. I am still supposed to be young, and I will act like it for as long as I can put on an act right!

Tootles one and all, love you all and I am greatful for your support and prayers. We here at Lawson can always use some extra prayer and support, Like Pastor John says, you cant have spiritual results if yoru not dooing the spiritual work... I think he says that. ofcourse we are praying, but more praying is always welcomed.

Oh, Ps: I am feeling much better mentally from the last two blogs I have left. Needed to come before God like I did this morning, no doubt once more my friends prayers were of help to me. Thank you again.

Explanation anyone?

I wish I had one. I really do, the thing is is that I am confused to, and thus I will be vague untill I figure it all out myself.
"I thought but I was wrong"
I thought my heart troubles were gone, but they're back.
"I didn't but I should have"
Talk, I didn't talk or say what needed to be said.
"I did and shouldn't have"
I assumed some things were what I interpreted them to be, but clearly God has other things in mind.
"I took and it was not mine"
It's simple, I stole, not physical possesions, but emotional things, things like hope and feelings of security, took them for my own, and I see now that was wrong.
"I wouldn't listen and I should have been listening to you all along, so please just talk to me then"
God is always trying to talk to us when we need to hear Him, but I wasn't listening when I needed it the most, and now I really want to hear what He has to say.

Thanx Brittany, prayer acomplishes miracles and hugs bring so many other things.

Now you may all understand a litle more of how confused I am? That makes sence deosn't it!
Im going to bed.

I am so very confused. I thought but I was wrong, I didn't but I should have, I did and shouldn't have, I took and it was not mine. I wouldn't listen and I should have been listening to you all along, so please just talk to me then. I am so very confused.

A Devo I wanted to share.

Romans 12:9-13

”9Love must be sincere.”

These four words need to ring as truth in my life, I say need to. How often it is that I am just doing things out of kindness and hospitality, but leaving out that genuine love of Christ that I say I share and needs to be shared to reach the lost.

“Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.

Honor one another above yourselves.”

The second part of verse nine is very self explanatory, but how often I find myself loving what is evil and avoiding what is good. Again I must see more into these verses. “Be DEVOTED to one another in LOVE” Umm, when was the last time I counted myself as devoted to my Christian brothers and sisters. Sure I try to be there for you, but am I devoted like Christ was, like the one I try to be so much like. I know I don’t honor you more than myself nearly as often as I should, but then, how much do I do things to honor God rather than myself?

“11Never be lacking in zeal,

but keep your spiritual fervor,

serving the Lord.”

I lack zeal, what fervor can be accounted to me…. I serve the Lord though right? I am not nearly excited enough about doing this, about living for the Lord most high. He chose us, to go share the gospel, a holy priesthood, don’t let anyone doubt us; walk in faith, Christ will be our strength in all things. Get excited about this! Do you think you have zeal in serving God? Are you following Him with fervor in your faith? Am I faithful, or am I a harlot with my trust in what I do and who I serve?

“12Be joyful in hope,

patient in affliction,

faithful in prayer.”

Do I take joy in the hope that I have been given through the death of Jesus? This is a hope that I might live eternally and not die. I have been given life! Am I joyful with this gift people? Or am I simply doing it? This isn’t some Nike add, this is Christianity, we don’t just do it, we are to love the life we have been given and live it loving others. I know I can be more patient in my affliction, I am like a child. I sit there anxious looking to God for the answers and for the point of it all, and I want it now, I don’t want to enjoy this pain or use it, just heal me and let me have that as a testimony. Oh, I am so not faithful in prayer, maybe to everything but God, and maybe when I pray to God it’s for everything but what I should be praying about, for everything but who I should be praying for.

“13Share with God's people who are in need.

Practice hospitality.”

Well, we all know I have so much that I can share…. Or am I reading this right? What could the brethren possibly be in need of, money? As much as spreading around the wealth can be helpful, maybe we ought to share our time and love, or efforts and hospitality, our wisdom and biblical knowledge. There is so much more on this world than material things that we can share when we have brothers and sisters in need.

Colossians 3:12-17

“12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

Again, did you catch that, “as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved,” we are chosen, we are made holy by Christ. He chose to die for you and me, so that we could be made holy and know day in and out that we are loved. Do I live out the compassion God had for me to others that need it? Am I kind to those who rebuke me or the stranger passing by? Am I humble in what I have been given for talents and gifts not only before God, but before the world, or do they see me as arrogant and prideful? Am I gentle with the weak and needy? Am I patient with the fool who will not listen or understand or the guy in front of me in heavy traffic?

13Bear with each other and forgive

whatever grievances you may have against one another.

Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

When I am upset by you, do I sit there in patience, or do I ignore you and keep my distance. Do I bear with the young Christian who knows no better, or with the person who does not know how to socialize with people like I do? How often am I quick to forgive? Am I like the God who forgave me?

14And over all these virtues put on love,

which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

Oh, the icing on the perfect Christian cake, when you have done all this, just love. It is the nails in the ship, without them your kindness and hospitality will be hollow and fall apart before you. If you do all this, have “compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience,” without love the world and the Christian family will know, and they will be hurt, not by you, but for you. At least that’s how it should be, don’t be insulted by the angry brother or sister who lashes out, but hurt for them like God does, this is how you love, this is how they will find healing, “for love heals all things.”

“15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts,

since as members of one body you were called to peace.

And be thankful.

16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly

as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom,

and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs

with gratitude in your hearts to God.”

What peace have I allowed in my heart, do I not enjoy the confusion that is within? “I mean it is my excuse to sin, when I go too far with my girl friend, I can blame it on the confusion inside. I don’t want the peace of God. This turmoil helps me rebuke the foolish brother and sister and still I receive compassion from the rest because I am hurting.” That would be foolish, take the peace that lies before us, it is a gift, delivered swiftly and with LOVE by the spirit of God that dwells within you. “AND BE THANKFUL.” I think there is a reason Paul made that its own sentence. “Let the word of Christ dwell in you RICHLY.” Does it, is it there when you are called to minister to one another, or do you take the time to read it and know it as the WORD OF GOD? I don’t, but I know I should, it says so in the bible you know. “…with gratitude in your hearts.” Do not only worship having full knowledge of the bible, having it dwell richly in your heart, but also worship with gratitude. I know I’ve had that wrong for a long time.

17And whatever you do,

whether in word or deed,

do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,

giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Do it in the name of Jesus, hold up! “There are some things we like to do that we can’t do in the name of Christ. It’s sinful.” As you live and do, before every act, think, “I am doing this for your name God.” Maybe we would screw up much less than we do? Than God would be present in all that we do. And again, “…giving thanks to God the Father through him.” That is through Jesus. Oh, and again, give thanks! I think there is reason enough for myself to do that.

Now, go and pray.
Your Friend,
TraV

My Questions?

If I am where I am supposed to be... why do I feel so out of place?
For a drummer who can keep a rythem...why am I so off beat?
I think I am a poet with an open heart... why do I feel that nobody knows me?
They said I have excellent discipline and a sound mind... why am I so confused?


To think that maby, just maby the outside could bleed its way in. That that peace and love, kindness and trueness of heart could be mine with a simple touch.... I am unsettled.

My empty place...

To know this barren place as if it was the un-wanted home of my life, terrifies me. I desire nothing more than to know the warmth of a fire, and the kindness of a solid roof. Would these metaphors not ring truth to your ears, do you not see that this for you to hear? I want you to know that without you in my life I feel like I am in that barren grass plain between two mountains, the world around me cold and frozen in the dead of winter. I can not even drink the water to be fulfilled for the river's are frozen. In this place away from you I know no love at all, just the company of the northwest wind day and night. I wish for the shelter of your arms, the kindness of your loving touch. Would it be too much for me to have the warmth of your embrace, or is that for me to have? What permission must I find you so that you may love me as I love you? What must I do to know your heart as you know mine where it freezes in the cool air upon my sleeve? Yes I wear it there in a place so vulnerable so that you may always know and never be confused as to who I am and what I desire. I am an open book that lay upon the table before you, my pages dusty with time, and my words unread and foreign to your eyes. Please hear me now if not ever again, tell me will you, can you ever love me like I need of you, or will I always know this lonely place? Am I foolish to think you might, has the cold of this empty place gotten to my weakened mind? I search by whatever light I am given for a way into your heart, like this wind upon this prairie, I will do all that I can to enter the home of your life.

A letter from the Editor

As I am sure since you read my Blogs whether they be a rant, a poem, a complaint, a prayer, or whatever... you always read the comments. Leah, a good friend of mine and no doubt you, was wondering who these were for? Well, I may indeed simply right in my blog a monologue with God, a poem for Jesus, but know that I try my best to never right something that is for a single person on here. I said I try. So my last poem "Maybe to Love You" was written from my heart, to.... no one. I simply wrote it because, apparently I've been called this before, I am a hopeless romantic. It may sound cheesy, but when I have a girl that I call 'mine', of course that can only be true in marriage, but when I do I will right her poems, take her on illustrious dates, I mean I will treat her better than the finest Diamond or Silver Wear. She will know I care about her, and I will not share those things with the world, they will be for her alone. So next time you read something by me that is romantic and affectionate to a "girl" and it’s in a public place, it is to no one. Take care folks, just wanted you to know.

Maybe to love you

If I were to know my final day of fate
If I knew when then it was that date
Would I now live today without fear
Would I not make this a better year

I would tell you now I love you still
I would we sure you knew your fill
If I were to say all that needed saying
If I were to do all that needed doing

I say it again without holding it back
I say that this is what I will still lack
I do all that you would have wanted
I do everything even if ever taunted

If I would say I do that I might always and forever without fear and never holding anything back and simply tell you honest of my heart that I do indeed and always will love you...
What then would you say?

Travis Hobbs 00.50.11.07.06

Walk this line!

The thing that shines through all of this busy world
What makes me smile fills my heart makes me joyful
It makes me move and wonder as I follow under hold
I wanted to tell you now so you'd know your beautiful

It doesn’t matter what they say so I know I don’t care
The world can turn against us and still I will love you
So please don’t ever wander but look up and just stare
Open you heart and know the love that is so very true

I want this strength I have to be your own now forever
You need this love that I have deep with in your heart
Forget about what they might say for now its whatever
Its what you believe yourself its been so from the start

Take a hold of this gift and lift it up for everyone to see
Just never forget the things that you have been through
Walk away from all the lonely ways that it used to be
Its not about what your faith is in its always about who

Travis Hobbs 21.30.11.06.06

About the last post....

Ok, so if you have the read the post that pre-ceeded this one, you can see that things are not always happy go-luckey for me, but you will also see that God is so faithful, so reliable, and maby even predictable. He is unchanging, you will never know all His ways, but He will personally know every one of your days. I am feeling a litle better now, I got to talk to a friend, it helped alot. Thanx :). When I said "So, that is all I got to say I guess. I just wanted to let you know that I am not well today." That was my ending, but my heart kept on pouring out through my hands upon this anoited Dell PC... yes, not a heathen mac, but a holy PC. ;) Jk, Im sure satan doesn't use macs, that's for his minions.

Good night, gang...
Im tired

I cry...

I have not had a great day. I got about five and a half hours of sleep last night, that didn't help. My migraine took all hope I had building up in me away. I feel like I am going to break down tonight gang. I thought just maybe, since it hadn't been bad in so long, that maybe this thorn in my flesh was gone... God please take this.... but it remains, and its presence can not be ignored. Thus I have been a little irritable today. Sorry if at some point I seemed angry with one of you, I probably wasn't, maybe I was just tired and looked pissed off. I really only felt upset at one point, but I wont get into that here. I can’t. I copied a song on here two months ago, here is the first verse, I don’t think anyone got the hint, what hint traV? I don’t know what I am talking about, I don’t want just anyone to get this...

If you put your arms around me,
Could it change the way I feel?
I guess I let myself believe
That the outside might just bleed its way in
Maybe stir the sleeping past
Laying under glass
Waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out... of this lonely cell

So, that is all I got to say I guess. I just wanted to let you know that I am not well today. I am exhausted, just when I thought that I was getting a grasp on this life, my fingers slip with the sweat of my hands, and I fall, and I find myself close to the bottom of this all again. Can I take this anymore, can I handle the pain, do I want to turn to You for strength again? Or tell me now, have I exhausted Your great supply? I come back to You time and time again, only to find myself humbled before You. What right do I have to complain, what reason could be greater than Yours, what pain more severe? You watch me turn my back and You cry for me, I don’t listen for a while and You will only love me more. Why is it that I cant understand, why cant I have that God? Don’t You think that if I had this, this that I desire and tell no one about, that I would be happy? I think I would be happy, but what do I know other than that You Father know best for me. Don’t You? Can I doubt You this one time, or would you let me? Just in that last moment Your going to pull through for me aren't You? Your going to show me your grace and love abundantly. I know what I want and what I need, more often than not they are not the same. They are not both in Your will, just one. I wish I could change Your perfect and great will God, than maybe it would be better? Listen to this, I am foolish am I not? Your will is called good and perfect because that is what it is, who knows, maybe down this muddy road, and once I am over this cliff I will have what I want and it will be good and blameless in Your sight. Do I have the patience to wait, to push myself for as long as it takes, why cant I just walk away from You God? I know that life would be easier to live, but it will be hell to pay, quite literally. But You paid for my way, You paid for all this that I live with. You paid for my life of pain, this suffering I choose to share in, who knew it would be literal? I cant walk away, its impossible, I could never want that. It disgusts me to think that I could be ok to live in sin, disgusts me to realize that my friends who don’t know this life of hardship, this life of constantly having You and never being alone, will burn eternally perhaps even tomorrow. I have to push, I have to take them and bring them to You, show them the awesomeness that You are, so that maybe they may choose to believe and proclaim what they should and be saved. Maybe that they could enjoy a life like mine? No, I think they could be better than me, they could live better that I, who cant? I am a wolf in a sheep’s costume, I think I have dressed up so well that I have fooled myself. Haven’t I, or am I being overly dramatic? I rant about all this, I complain and You listen. Tell me, do you shake Your head at me, or do You reach out to me and try to hold me as I push You away, is that what I need God, just a hug from a friend or a Friend? I don’t know what is best for me, You tell me that this is no costume, but I don’t know if I can believe You on this one God. Maybe Your wrong about it all for once, I doubt it. When will I shut up and follow You like I should, like a dog? No, what a fool I am indeed, You desire for me to follow You like a free servant, one who loves his Master, and I do love You Lord. But do I love another? Don’t You know my heart better that I do myself? Isn't that true God? Reveal it to me than, what lies in the depths of my heart, tell me, I am already in pain, already I think I am suffering, can a look in this heart really make it worse? I don’t know best God, You do don’t You?? So I sit here in my corner of pain and cry as I interrogate You, what right do I have to do such a thing too the Lord most high? I don’t know what I am, who I am, I have lost my pitiful identity, I cast it off God. I hate me, I desire only to be You now. Is that what you wanted to hear, is that what You needed to set me free from the hole I have taken refuge in? I take refuge in it only because I have been down here so long that I have come to think it a safe place to be, but the water is rising, and I did not know that soon I would drown. Instead, I finally heard Your call and I looked up and seen that Your hand was reaching out to me, not to put me under, but to pull me out and place my unsteady feet upon solid rock. Can it be that I was standing on the solid rock all along, that when I fell because I lost my footing, it was only my weak legs, shaky knees, and blistered feet? But I did fall, only to take rest and lay upon that solid rock. You let me rest upon You, and when I was strong enough, when the blisters had healed, You urged me to go on. I stand now, my arms high, and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all, I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered, all I am is Yours! So what can I say, what can I do to actually screw this up, to actually ruin Your good and perfect will? Nothing I think, it is too good for me to completely understand. But now You know me, I hope You know me because You can see Yourself in me God. Why cant I? You took me from the place where I had little to worry about, you took me form my home and brought me here. Why God? Only to make this harder for me, I gave everything I had, I was exhausted, but I followed Your call there and now I have followed it here. I am still exhausted, and now I am poor, I am behind in everything but what You called me to do. Should I abandon everything else and do only what You have wanted of me? If I did that God, I would have time to rest; I would have time to regain my strength. Did I mess up and taken on more than I should have? But I can’t walk away from it now, can I God? I think not, but once again, what do I know??? I don’t know what I know, I don’t know me, isn't that right? So I will go on, I will be the faithful soldier; I walk into the battle field now that You have patched me up, but not alone? It is You who walks next to me, and bearing the cross, how can I now loose? How can another bullet do any more damage? You Lord have made me glad!