First, I must warn you, this blog is so true that I was weary of posting it, so I am sorry if what you read here disheartens you, do not feel you must read this or finish it. I don’t know what has brought me here tonight, but I hope with your attention that I might be able to find a few answers for myself. I hope you will excuse the selfish aspects of this exercise. Lately, well for some time now, I have not been the man I want to be, I have not been accomplishing the things I want to do, I have not been moving forward in the direction I need and desire for my life. In fact the complete opposite has been taking place in my life for quite some time now, and I am absolutely disgusted at myself. I am led to so many questions, I will not try to excuse the many selfish acts that I have done these many passed days and months, rather I want to look at myself and the things I have mentioned above, that I want and desire.
I may not be the man I want to be, but am I the man that God intended me to be? Here lies a greater question, am I defined as a man by my actions or by my destination and prize, what I run to? I know that if it were by acts, than I am no measure of a man indeed, but if I am measured by my destination, than I am of quality. But am I someone who can make these judgments on myself? The lack of goals on my list with a check next to them, well, this is not simply a matter of procrastination, but perhaps miss lead agendas. I want to do so many things, and many things I do indeed do, however not all that I do are things I desire to be accomplished or even thought about. Do you see my plight? And my direction, it is backwards rather than forward, towards things I hate rather than where I try so very hard to direct my eyes. Even though my eyes are on the ‘prize’ I know what is behind me, do I walk backwards because of this knowledge? I pray that what I have done and seen in my past would not just simply be forgiven by God, but forgotten by me. Even though I am saved, I remember what I was saved from, and that haunts me. So what does all this add up to? Other than a confused and tired individual, it adds up to a hardened heart. I desire for the lost to be saved, for the sick to be healed and know it is God. But I do not feel it in my heart, I do not know the urgency that drives so many to do what they are called to do. Here lay’s my next question, does God have a purpose with/for a young man whom has a hardened heart? Is there a place for me in the kingdom of God, a spot where I can accomplish the will God has for my life by His strength? I know that it is His strength, my own ran out months ago, without God I would be a mess, burnt out, sick, and useless. This is some of what has been on my mind. I think it of greater importance than my future. Surly that is important, but if I am not spiritually on track, what right do I have seeking out the will of God for my future? I was called to Saskatoon some months ago, and so I came, but I have lost the voice, I hear it no longer, so I will remain since that is what I was told to do, even though I am cut off from the one who told me to come. I do believe I am saved and in Christ, I just can’t hear Him. I may have been to hard on myself in some things, but in others I am sure I am right… it is me I am talking about, I’m beginning to wonder how well I know myself. I may not be the one to diagnose myself either, in fact, I am not qualified at all, the only qualified one is God, but can I not still be right even though unqualified?
I do not expect to find answers here, but I needed to bring some order to my thoughts. Someone some time ago said I have a well disciplined mind and thought life, that may have been true than, but I lost it, maybe my mind, but definitely the discipline. If you do not feel compelled by God to put answer's here, don’t. I am hurting enough, but if in your wisdom, you see answers, than give them. I take nothing at worth until it has been on the alter at the feet of God, until it can be proven there, it will not find a home in me. And please, comment at will.
“If the righteous are barely saved, what will happen to godless sinners?”
Proverbs 11:31 Greek Version
5 comments:
I am not the man to be commenting on here but I feel that I must. For sometime I have felt the way you do. I do a lot of right things and those are good. But then I go and I stumble. I foget to read my bible or I brake my fast and much more and I despair. And whenever I am at these points I find that there is only one thing I think of in regardes to religion. Love. God is love and love always perservers it is not easily angered, always hopes, and keeps no record of wrong. It will never fail. And then I remember that God is love and this gives me great comfort. Because when I go off track God will hope for me and he will not be easily angered at what I do and he wont came at me when I come back saying look what you did wrong. And in the end he will win. That thought always sparks me back into reality spiritually. Now Trave I can't know what your going through right now but know that I am praying for you. And I honestly believe that God is to. A funny thought but if you think about it makes sence. Anyway I hope it help and I hope we can have a good time on Wednesday.
I want to second what the first anonymous said. As long as we persevere with love, we will always have God. If we are loving and compassionate, we have God, because we have love. I will keep you in my prayers as always, in hopes that you discover these answers for yourself. As much help as you may believe we can be, the only way to determine the faithfulness of God, is to determine the faithfulness in your own heart. Even though God doesn't always seem to be there, He is, and if you're putting in your 100%, He WILL, in the end, bless you. You WILL receive what He has for you, and you WILL find your answers.
God is a God of love, this is true and I know it. He has been teaching me and I am still learning to love all people and things. Some would say this is faulty, how can you love a person who would kill a man and not think twice, or fool who preaches heiracy to the already lost? Well, God can, so should I not aspire to be like Him. I know the faithfullness of God in my life, to quote myself...
"Is there a place for me in the kingdom of God, a spot where I can accomplish the will God has for my life by His strength? I KNOW THAT IT IS HIS STRENGTH, MY OWN RAN OUT MONTHS AGO, WITHOUT GOD I WOULD BE A MESS, BURNT OUT, SICK, AND USELESS."
...I am alive today because of the faithfullness of God, He is with me even though I do not feel his presence, like a blind man in a room of silent people, he does not see or hear them, but he knows they are there. And like the blind man in the room, is he not in the room? I mean to say that, I know God is there, and I am with Him. I dont know if anyone really understands the language of my heart and mind, and I know for certain that God does. I have begun a fast, I did break for a moment last night with the guys for a piece of pizza and a few chips, but I need to do this, and so far, it has been amazing, I feel more joy than what has been usual, a peace in my heart and mind. I no longer walk backwards. Is it normal for something to be calmed and put back on track so easily? Yes, Jesus calmed a storm with a thought, controlled the weather, he can easily fix and controll my thoughts and desiers as I submit them, and I have always wanted that.
I thank you so much for your comments anonimous friends.
As always no problem and God Bless. As a fellow memeber working in the youth misistry I know what a Blessing you make to the kids. So I just want to say I'm glad your sticking it out and I'm praying for you.
Hope you get better soon we are praying for you.
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