I cant explain it, I can not get this in my head. Its driving me nuts, and at the same time I appear totaly calm on the outside, but in me, there is this war... a battle of epic proportions. I feel like I am loosing, but too who, myself? And why am I under attack. I need you to take this God... its been in me far to long. Im loosing my head, my patients are thin. WHY??? I cant take this anymore... I left young adults tonight, just put my shoes on and went out into the dark cold wet world, I wanted to cry... I feared for my life, but fear of what, I DONT KNOW! I just walked and tlaked with God, in the wet cold dark and empty night. I feel like I am about to loose it again, at that point where I will probaly need to admitted by the end of the week, the thing is is that this is no joke, no, its real. Welcome to my life everyone, Im a mess, and I cant get it together again. Not this time, no Im not ok tonight. Why did I walk? I needed to get away from the noise... yes I really do have a migrane and yes it does really fricken hurt. I need out. I dont want to walk over this hill, not anymore. But I remember, the story, Foot Prints in the Sand, and I am reminded of your faithfulness God, to someone else. I remember You've been so for me, not so long ago iether. I need it again, I need you to catch me, I have fallen off from this mountain, and I am spiraling towards the ground below. To what end? To what purpose... Im here, isn't this where you wanted me, and now I am broken! Beaten! Lost! AHHH! I havn't been frustrated in a very very long time, to this point, to the point where I just needed to do this, to wear my heart on my sleve, to show you that inside, Im the poor man on the street, just pushing my cart, inside I feel I've lost it all, and yet I have everything I need, God. I would also like to meet that good samaritan, the rest just pass me by. Father send someone, someone to except me and love me like You can. Im strung out gang... cant you tell! I came here at a bad time, but I came here for God's time. Turns out that showing up just isn't good enough, I've got to do more than work hard, I've got to do more....
Ps: The gem is that sparkeling bead on my cheek, that salty water that comes out of your eyes.... yes a tear.
God tear me appart, destroy me God, and leave nothing, insinerate me, make me suffer, I die for you today, and for ever. I need you to fallow through on this, work me to the bone, and then grind those to dust. Cant you hear this, I want to be nothing before you, an empty bag of flesh, no thought's or desires that are not from you, no hope for escape, just a empty vessel, to be filled and replaced by you. Jesus come, in your name...amen.
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4 comments:
hey trav,
This seems like it has been a tough week for you, for lots of reason. Belive me, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed too. I realize it must be hard for you right now, you are settling in, you dont' have friends here that you have built life long friendships with, those that you can share anything with, and I can understand if you feel alone sometimes. And that migraine you've had for a while....that sucks. remember Paul and his thorn in the flesh, maybe for the time being this is yours, and I am not trying to discredit the fact that it's really horrible and that for your sake I wish it would go away too. Press on, suffering produces character, trust me, I can for sure look back on the past year and say I am stronger and I bet next year you will say the same about this year. and you do seem like you are calm on the outside, but if you never say anything to me or to other friends, I will never know, so I'm glad you wrote this blog. hope this week is better for you.
Hey Gang,
Well, as you can see, Im having a rough time, but it is God that wants me broken and weak before Him, isn't it? Thank you Leah, I was acutualy thinking about Paul and his thorn today, I, like him, just want God to heal me of it, and to heal my back. I can take the rest, God is my strength, I just dont want to feal the physical pain anymore... I do apreciate all your prayers. I am glad to have you for frieds, I do hope to be close friends with you all, and life think of you someday as life long friends, down the road.
Thanx again everyone, God, by the way, has been faithful to come when I cried out, Im just waiting for the pain to leave.
Hey Trav,
I agree with what leah said, and I just hope that things start to come around for you. You seem to have had a bit of a rough time since moving here. I'm praying for you. I have no words of wisdom right now, so all I can offer is prayer.
take care buddy.
ashley
Hey Trav
I don't really know what it is that is making you feel this way, but i can realte to the way it makes you feel.(i hope that made sense) I've faced struggles but know one knew because i kept it inside, HUGE mistake! It was like i needed to talk about it, but most important of all leave the situation in God's hands, which isn't always easy. I'm just really glad that you are smart enough to realize that you can't always carry your burdons alone. I pray that you can continue to find peace in our father because he loves you!
Praying for you,
Jacqueline
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