Thus I will Testify

"10 In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. 11 All power to him forever! Amen."

1 Peter 5:10-11 NLT

Some may say that I am taking this verse out of Peter's intended context, and some may be right to assume this. I haven’t met the fellow, but He's out there, we talked about him in class a few times. Peter means to say, "...after you have suffered (been persecuted for our faith) a ..." Which is by all means an amazing thing. To live in a place where I don’t have freedom to live for Jesus, where I would be persecuted for my faith; that would be amazing. I have suffered, but not for my faith, I don’t think. I have suffered because of the "thorn in my flesh" or rather several of them. But alas, I will smile (BIG), I will laugh (oddly), and I will sing to Jesus. Some may say "Where is your Jesus now, isn't he supposed to heal, yet you suffer still? Why would a loving God do this to his child?" Some can sometimes be foolish and other times very smart, but this isn't about some. Jesus does heal, he has healed me before and he will heal again I’m sure. Why do I still suffer you ask, I don’t know, God has used it though, God has brought men to tears through my testimony of his faithfulness to me. Remember this, God did not do this to me, the flesh is weak in many ways, and the wolf will attack the sheep. Do I think this is an attack or just a failure of the flesh? I don’t know, I don’t care. God favors me, and in the end, if you haven’t read it, he wins. I love God, and yes I am a child that he does very much indeed love.

To recap my year with minor detail will take a long time. I don’t want to go in to detail though, but I will recap my year. January 2006, God ask's me, a healthy 17 year old, to let go of Michelle, a girl I was dating at the time, whom I deeply care about. I unwillingly went about doing this after a long fight with God (a tip: God wins, don’t bother fighting for long). Late March, I come home from church one Sunday afternoon and my headache/migraine begins. In that week I follow up with a doctor and he says "a likely cause for something like this to suddenly appear are one of three things, brain damage and you have none, a blood clot/aneurysm which is unlikely for you, and what we will look for is brain cancer." Umm, I thought for a minute, and then went about perusing the look for this, we scheduled an emergency CT (which took a month) and left, on our way I calmed my mom a little, thinking it wouldn't faze me. Time went on, April came, I had the CT and won provincial skills for cabinetry. May came, I lost it, but God had already found me, I turned to Him and he was right there waiting for me. I was thinking... I’m turning 18 in two weeks, I have prom in a week, I’m graduating in June, I don’t want to die now, God please let this be nothing major, heal me of this pain and its cause. I had fun at prom, I turned 18, I had fun at Nationals, CT results came in and they were great, blood results showed that my liver was on its way out. June came and went and I had graduated and done a 30km plus canoe trip with my best friend Steven. I was endeavoring to leave for Simonhouse and I did and was there for six weeks as a councillor, through my back out, was bothered by my head, but I loved it for the most part. I wont get into the parts that I don’t. August and I was home for a week, had a ultrasound to check on my liver and got some more pain suppressant from the doc for my head, then I moved out to Toon Town. Life went on and school was not going well with my head in so much pain, even ended up in the ER for severe pain, so my new doc doubled my dosage and that helped. On I went back to ER because my heart was freaking out, that slowed me down considerably for a week. Things were looking up, I was exhausted and behind, but there was light at the end of tunnel. December came and I hung out for a long weekend with my bro in the Peg, we both got violently ill and flew home but my sis got a car! Exams were actually fun, and I think I did well. The Sunday before I left for T-town had arrived, the night before I finished my last shift cleaning Sterling, and I thought I was going to die because of the pain I was in. I got to church incredibly late, looking utterly terrible, and Nic rushed me to the ER where I was drugged, examined, and rushed to surgery. I didn't go home Monday, but my mommy came down that night and my dad on Tuesday and the wonderful drive home on Wednesday. Of which I remember maybe five hours, one and a half was in a restaurant. I had a wonderfully amazing break, relaxed, had fun, worked a little, felt pain but whatever, and spent lots of time with people I love deeply. January 2007, so I flew back here to Toon town and the pain in my stomach was making a come back, I scheduled an appointment to follow up with my surgeon but ended up in the hospital a little early, you guessed it, ER for the fourth time. The pain was almost unbearable that day, thought maybe something was wrong, turns out there wasn't much wrong, but they kept me there two nights to figure that out, it was just mechanical pain due to sensitive scar tissue. Ok, and I can no longer take pain medication, not until the pain is completely all gone?? Whatever! I had my interview and it went well, looking to be hired on Monday I hope.

Why does all this lead to God being faithful, how does that add up? Well, you didn't hear all the great things that happened you know. God was with me, and he did not for a moment let me go and I knew it, he made sure of it. He has been loving me so much, caring for me, watching out for me, and healing other pains that are not physical but still equally if not more important. He has taught me great things, personally and through others. I know this all to be true, I am glad!

“18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18 NLT

Did you catch that? The first verse I mean, God will RESTORE, SUPPORT, STRENGTHEN, and PLACE ME ON A FIRM FOUNDATION!!! Isn't that amazing, here I stand, supported and strengthened, and I believe to be restored when God is finished using my pain for his glory, for it was in his pain that we seen great glory, in his act of love, and he will share that in his kindness. And yes I do believe, in these last 12 months, that God has been incredibly kind to me.

I thank you all for your continued prayers, it must get anoying to hear the same old thing again and again, but as God is my stength I will press on and hold fast. This blog was not about my suffering, it was about God's faithfulness, I pray that you would give him glory and praise for that and look to see his faithfullness in your life. You will, and I say will find that he is there.

My heart is on my sleeve?

First, I must warn you, this blog is so true that I was weary of posting it, so I am sorry if what you read here disheartens you, do not feel you must read this or finish it. I don’t know what has brought me here tonight, but I hope with your attention that I might be able to find a few answers for myself. I hope you will excuse the selfish aspects of this exercise. Lately, well for some time now, I have not been the man I want to be, I have not been accomplishing the things I want to do, I have not been moving forward in the direction I need and desire for my life. In fact the complete opposite has been taking place in my life for quite some time now, and I am absolutely disgusted at myself. I am led to so many questions, I will not try to excuse the many selfish acts that I have done these many passed days and months, rather I want to look at myself and the things I have mentioned above, that I want and desire.

I may not be the man I want to be, but am I the man that God intended me to be? Here lies a greater question, am I defined as a man by my actions or by my destination and prize, what I run to? I know that if it were by acts, than I am no measure of a man indeed, but if I am measured by my destination, than I am of quality. But am I someone who can make these judgments on myself? The lack of goals on my list with a check next to them, well, this is not simply a matter of procrastination, but perhaps miss lead agendas. I want to do so many things, and many things I do indeed do, however not all that I do are things I desire to be accomplished or even thought about. Do you see my plight? And my direction, it is backwards rather than forward, towards things I hate rather than where I try so very hard to direct my eyes. Even though my eyes are on the ‘prize’ I know what is behind me, do I walk backwards because of this knowledge? I pray that what I have done and seen in my past would not just simply be forgiven by God, but forgotten by me. Even though I am saved, I remember what I was saved from, and that haunts me. So what does all this add up to? Other than a confused and tired individual, it adds up to a hardened heart. I desire for the lost to be saved, for the sick to be healed and know it is God. But I do not feel it in my heart, I do not know the urgency that drives so many to do what they are called to do. Here lay’s my next question, does God have a purpose with/for a young man whom has a hardened heart? Is there a place for me in the kingdom of God, a spot where I can accomplish the will God has for my life by His strength? I know that it is His strength, my own ran out months ago, without God I would be a mess, burnt out, sick, and useless. This is some of what has been on my mind. I think it of greater importance than my future. Surly that is important, but if I am not spiritually on track, what right do I have seeking out the will of God for my future? I was called to Saskatoon some months ago, and so I came, but I have lost the voice, I hear it no longer, so I will remain since that is what I was told to do, even though I am cut off from the one who told me to come. I do believe I am saved and in Christ, I just can’t hear Him. I may have been to hard on myself in some things, but in others I am sure I am right… it is me I am talking about, I’m beginning to wonder how well I know myself. I may not be the one to diagnose myself either, in fact, I am not qualified at all, the only qualified one is God, but can I not still be right even though unqualified?

I do not expect to find answers here, but I needed to bring some order to my thoughts. Someone some time ago said I have a well disciplined mind and thought life, that may have been true than, but I lost it, maybe my mind, but definitely the discipline. If you do not feel compelled by God to put answer's here, don’t. I am hurting enough, but if in your wisdom, you see answers, than give them. I take nothing at worth until it has been on the alter at the feet of God, until it can be proven there, it will not find a home in me. And please, comment at will.

“If the righteous are barely saved, what will happen to godless sinners?”
Proverbs 11:31 Greek Version