Yeah for the weekend!!!???

Well, this has not been the easiest of weekends. I missed class on Thursday and Firday due to mi Migrane and cold...the combo packed a good hit. Well, I also missed the due date on some homework... I didn't think that would go over well, but the leadership here at Central is great and compassionate. Dr. Munk told me to take care of myself, you can't do homework with a bad migrane, so take care of you and we will worry about due dates in the end. I was blown away, he than anoited me and prayed with me... thats an example of a leader and a servant. Good fellow. I was supposed to be playing friday night, guitar that is at youth. I knew that afternoon I was in no condition, but I went out and got some Tylenol Cold and Sinus Extra Strength and down'ed those for the service. I than prayed, knowing that they would accomplish very litle against my migrane... I asked God that if He wanted me to be in the service that He would have to take care of the pain that night, I have not felt better than night that I have in awhile. Partly drugs, the cold simptons were gone, mostly God, the migrane was GONE! yeah... Than came saturday. Talk about pain batman...I thought it hurt bad earlyer last week, I couldn't even walk well yesterday, I slept most of the day, and spent that evening at the hospital in the ER with an IV in my arm hooked up to oxygen... oh the greatest of Sauturday nights. But the drugs worked, for the night. This morning wasn't so fun though. I decided to stay home, in pain and feeling.... pukeish? i guess you could say. I slept all day, I feel farily good now thankfully. I look back and I think God, You were there. This was one of the best weekends of my life, how great and wonderful You are!

Change me

Something Beautiful – Jars Of Clay

If you put your arms around me,
Could it change the way I feel?
I guess I let myself believe
That the outside might just bleed its way in
Maybe stir the sleeping past
Lying under glass
Waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out... of this lonely cell

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful

What I get from my reflection
Isn't what I thought I'd see.
so, give me reason to believe
You'd never keep me incomplete
Will you untie this loss of mine?
It easily defines me,
Do you see it on my face?
And that all I can think about is how long
I've been waiting to feel you move me.

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful

And I'm still fighting for the word
To break these chains
And I still pray when I look in your eyes
You'd stare right back down
Into something beautiful

So close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful

Well, it turns out that this year isn’t going to be so easy as I thought it might be. Yes friends, things are getting worse. My migraine is strong enough to kill a bull, could it just be the cold? Maybe! But check this out, on my way home from a Dr.’s appointment; I got a call from my Dr. back in Thompson. I had an ultrasound done on my abdomen to see if there was anything wrong. I was expecting everything to be ok since my last blood test came out pretty ok. Wrong! I have a very mildly enlarged liver…? What the heck does that mean? He went on to say that I should go see a doctor here as soon as I can. Gosh, is going to school this year a good idea? I keep thinking no. But if I don’t, I wont get the loan, and I wont get the benefits, that means I will have to get a job. Should I just go home? I want to. But, to think about it, I came here following the call of God, but for what, to suffer all this in a foreign place where I’m under even more stress. I need your prayers gang, I really want to just lock myself away and cry.

“If you put your arms around me,
Could it change the way I feel?”

The falling gem

I cant explain it, I can not get this in my head. Its driving me nuts, and at the same time I appear totaly calm on the outside, but in me, there is this war... a battle of epic proportions. I feel like I am loosing, but too who, myself? And why am I under attack. I need you to take this God... its been in me far to long. Im loosing my head, my patients are thin. WHY??? I cant take this anymore... I left young adults tonight, just put my shoes on and went out into the dark cold wet world, I wanted to cry... I feared for my life, but fear of what, I DONT KNOW! I just walked and tlaked with God, in the wet cold dark and empty night. I feel like I am about to loose it again, at that point where I will probaly need to admitted by the end of the week, the thing is is that this is no joke, no, its real. Welcome to my life everyone, Im a mess, and I cant get it together again. Not this time, no Im not ok tonight. Why did I walk? I needed to get away from the noise... yes I really do have a migrane and yes it does really fricken hurt. I need out. I dont want to walk over this hill, not anymore. But I remember, the story, Foot Prints in the Sand, and I am reminded of your faithfulness God, to someone else. I remember You've been so for me, not so long ago iether. I need it again, I need you to catch me, I have fallen off from this mountain, and I am spiraling towards the ground below. To what end? To what purpose... Im here, isn't this where you wanted me, and now I am broken! Beaten! Lost! AHHH! I havn't been frustrated in a very very long time, to this point, to the point where I just needed to do this, to wear my heart on my sleve, to show you that inside, Im the poor man on the street, just pushing my cart, inside I feel I've lost it all, and yet I have everything I need, God. I would also like to meet that good samaritan, the rest just pass me by. Father send someone, someone to except me and love me like You can. Im strung out gang... cant you tell! I came here at a bad time, but I came here for God's time. Turns out that showing up just isn't good enough, I've got to do more than work hard, I've got to do more....



Ps: The gem is that sparkeling bead on my cheek, that salty water that comes out of your eyes.... yes a tear.

God tear me appart, destroy me God, and leave nothing, insinerate me, make me suffer, I die for you today, and for ever. I need you to fallow through on this, work me to the bone, and then grind those to dust. Cant you hear this, I want to be nothing before you, an empty bag of flesh, no thought's or desires that are not from you, no hope for escape, just a empty vessel, to be filled and replaced by you. Jesus come, in your name...amen.